Help Wanted: Seeking the perfect Republican candidate

If seeking the next Republican candidate was as easy as a Craigslist posting, this is what it would probably look like:

Republican National Committee seeks the perfect Republican candidate. Said candidate must be a member of a mainstream form of Christianity and must talk about it constantly. Or candidate must be able to hide or downplay any religion that seems "weird" in the public eye (Romney, we're looking at you).

We're looking for a candidate who is brave enough to refudiate all this "science" nonsense. Here's all the ideal candidate needs to know: Natural disasters are messages from God, carbon dioxide isn't harmful, all vaccines will harm your children, swine flu only breaks out under Democrat presidents…you know what, just read Michele Bachmann's book.

The ideal and perfect candidate must be unwilling to acknowledge any successes of the current president and have a destructive attitude when it comes to crossing party lines: the further to the political right, the better. No one wants a softy like Jon Huntsman. We want a real man that's not afraid to kill an innocent man, like Rick Perry.

The perfect Republican candidate must blame poor people for being poor and demonize those on any government assistance by calling it a "handout" or entitlement, while not acknowledging the working poor.

The ideal Republican candidate must admit that corporations are, in fact, people and support their ability to donate to political campaigns with no financial limit. Also, these corporations must be able to continue to get away with the deaths of consumers. Issuing intrusive and regulatory fines is what is bringing America down.  

While we're on the subject: the less regulation, the better. Who needs clean air, water or consumer protections? Let's party like it's 1889. End the Fed!

The perfect Republican candidate must be against those insidious unions. You know, those organizations that have historically helped people of color organize and actually move up in life. If those people are able to live in white neighborhoods, then the value of homes will go down. We must think about the majority of the population here and "take the country back." Union busting isn't racist, it's protecting real Americans.

The perfect candidate must not be seduced by liberal propaganda on investment, whether that be on infrastructure or educating the youth, especially if they are undocumented (Perry, you dropped the ball on that one).

Speaking of the youth vote, the ideal candidate must be able to reverse our miserable track record with the under-24 demographic. We like candidates who are hip enough to quote lyrics from Pokémon: The Movie 2000 in their closing statements and take their tax plans from popular teen computer games.

Under no circumstances must the ideal candidate allow the country to be overrun by homosexuals. Rights this and non-discrimination that, all they ever want is change. As normal, red-blooded Americans, the status quo is good enough for us.  Why can't it be for them?  Thus, it should be good enough for the ideal Republican candidate.

Actual desire to become president not necessary. Increasing your book (or pizza) sales is also an acceptable goal.

Brandon Thomas is a senior majoring in political science. He can be reached at muckrakerthomas@gmail.com.