2008 Woodie Awards
Nearly Horoscopes
Cosmic Christin
Issue date: 1/14/08 Section: Features
Aries
March 21 - April 19
It's a brand new semester, and everything should go splendidly for you; that is, until you happen to trip over one of those kids that skateboard incessantly all over the campus without shirts. Three words: full body cast.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Beware your first class of the semester. You will meet someone delicious who loves you for who you are (the stars only know why). They have something contagious. Cheers.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Jupiter has decreed that you shall forever shame yourself after this semester. Which is actually a good thing if you think about it, because your life is much too sweet right now for someone with your face.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You are rebelious. A free spirit. The fates have aligned to rain beautiful heart-shaped nice things on your face. Then you wake up, and you are yourself; miserable, hideous, socially ungraced and owing money to a large man named Sally.
Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22
Uranus had decreed that you must pay triple for your textbooks because he hates you. He just doesn't like you. It proabably has something to do with all those high heels you wear around campus. Wear regular shoes like the rest of us instead of making that annoying "clacking" sound everywhere you go.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Your life is about to become some tragically cheap knockoff of The Young and the Restless. We definitely won't be tuning in for that one.
Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
Prepare for some cold weather. There will be a massive snow storm coming your way. Oh, and by the way, the snow storm will only affect you, so you should cover up as much as possible. Trust me, this will keep all of us from shuddering.
Scorpio
Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
You are about to have some bad grades. I know, you're thinking, "Wait, the semester just started!" Regardless, you are about to suck it up.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Congratulations! You will not have a terrible month. Next month on the other hand... yikes.
Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Mercury has given you a big thumbs down for this month. Sort of like Mariah Carey in Glitter.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Happy Birthday, dude. Actually, strike that. The stars hope you get socks and an uncomfortable sexual present from your creepy Uncle Earl.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Beware any zoos. You don't need to be irritating the wildlife to get mauled by a tiger. Your outfit does that all by itself.
March 21 - April 19
It's a brand new semester, and everything should go splendidly for you; that is, until you happen to trip over one of those kids that skateboard incessantly all over the campus without shirts. Three words: full body cast.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Beware your first class of the semester. You will meet someone delicious who loves you for who you are (the stars only know why). They have something contagious. Cheers.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Jupiter has decreed that you shall forever shame yourself after this semester. Which is actually a good thing if you think about it, because your life is much too sweet right now for someone with your face.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You are rebelious. A free spirit. The fates have aligned to rain beautiful heart-shaped nice things on your face. Then you wake up, and you are yourself; miserable, hideous, socially ungraced and owing money to a large man named Sally.
Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22
Uranus had decreed that you must pay triple for your textbooks because he hates you. He just doesn't like you. It proabably has something to do with all those high heels you wear around campus. Wear regular shoes like the rest of us instead of making that annoying "clacking" sound everywhere you go.
Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22
Your life is about to become some tragically cheap knockoff of The Young and the Restless. We definitely won't be tuning in for that one.
Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 23
Prepare for some cold weather. There will be a massive snow storm coming your way. Oh, and by the way, the snow storm will only affect you, so you should cover up as much as possible. Trust me, this will keep all of us from shuddering.
Scorpio
Oct. 24 - Nov. 21
You are about to have some bad grades. I know, you're thinking, "Wait, the semester just started!" Regardless, you are about to suck it up.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
Congratulations! You will not have a terrible month. Next month on the other hand... yikes.
Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19
Mercury has given you a big thumbs down for this month. Sort of like Mariah Carey in Glitter.
Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18
Happy Birthday, dude. Actually, strike that. The stars hope you get socks and an uncomfortable sexual present from your creepy Uncle Earl.
Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20
Beware any zoos. You don't need to be irritating the wildlife to get mauled by a tiger. Your outfit does that all by itself.
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