2008 Woodie Awards
Smoking ban unjust, unfair to younger people
Governor Bredesen slighted working Tennesseans by restricting our right to light up in public
Michael Cannon
Issue date: 2/25/08 Section: Opinions
This event awoke us to the imminent threat to our civil rights, just as the attacks on Pearl Harbor opened our ancestors' eyes to the menace of fascism. When drafting this Draconian decree, lawmakers were certainly aware that poorer people have much higher rates of smoking than those well above the poverty line. As such, this bill should be viewed as a brazen assault on our state's poor and destitute.
This tax essentially forces many poor folks to choose between satisfying a nicotine addiction or eating lunch that day. Smoking is not like biting your nails. Addiction is a disease and you cannot just instantaneously end the habit. These foul villains are aware of this fact and use it to their advantage.
The revenue from these taxes is being used to fuel Lord Bredesen's nefarious plot to make a more hilarious joke out of our state's public school system. Rather than taxing people who work for living and suffer from a disease, perhaps we should look into levying fees on such oceans of untapped tax revenue such as Brentwood and Belle Meade.
This is unlikely, however, as the aforementioned lawmen tend to cohabitate in these dark lands to the west. Therefore, it is quite logical to conclude that the government's anti-smoking campaign is merely a microcosm of a larger war against working, freedom-loving southern folk carried out by a state government dominated by wealthy white men who have no real sense of what an average person's life is like. This enables them to extort us without conscience.
Despite the glaring injustice of this action, we grudgingly accepted it. We thought the worst was over, but we could not have been more wrong. Only five months later, the blanket ban on smoking would strike fear into the hearts of millions of peaceful Tennesseans.
As citizens are now aware, we can no longer smoke in most public places, including restaurants. These past months, we have all had to deal with the severe psychological stress and separation anxiety that has resulted from losing the right to smoke in Waffle House. Sunday morning hangovers will never again be the same.
This tax essentially forces many poor folks to choose between satisfying a nicotine addiction or eating lunch that day. Smoking is not like biting your nails. Addiction is a disease and you cannot just instantaneously end the habit. These foul villains are aware of this fact and use it to their advantage.
The revenue from these taxes is being used to fuel Lord Bredesen's nefarious plot to make a more hilarious joke out of our state's public school system. Rather than taxing people who work for living and suffer from a disease, perhaps we should look into levying fees on such oceans of untapped tax revenue such as Brentwood and Belle Meade.
This is unlikely, however, as the aforementioned lawmen tend to cohabitate in these dark lands to the west. Therefore, it is quite logical to conclude that the government's anti-smoking campaign is merely a microcosm of a larger war against working, freedom-loving southern folk carried out by a state government dominated by wealthy white men who have no real sense of what an average person's life is like. This enables them to extort us without conscience.
Despite the glaring injustice of this action, we grudgingly accepted it. We thought the worst was over, but we could not have been more wrong. Only five months later, the blanket ban on smoking would strike fear into the hearts of millions of peaceful Tennesseans.
As citizens are now aware, we can no longer smoke in most public places, including restaurants. These past months, we have all had to deal with the severe psychological stress and separation anxiety that has resulted from losing the right to smoke in Waffle House. Sunday morning hangovers will never again be the same.
Viewing Comments 1 - 10 of 27
Jason
posted 2/25/08 @ 1:21 AM CST
I can only hope you're joking for most of this. If so, bravo; if not, you are a sad individual.
Oh, and before you decide higher-income areas are "undertaxed", try looking at a tax code sometime. (Continued…)
Anon
posted 2/25/08 @ 2:40 AM CST
Yeah, I can't really tell if this entire piece is satire. I can tell that the end is, obviously. I agree with Jason about the tax codes.
news across the neocon empire
posted 2/25/08 @ 2:49 AM CST
Smoking kills!!!
So do the exhaust fumes from the cars people drive. In fact, the invisible smoke that comes out of the tailpipe of your car contains even higher concentrations of carcinogenic chemicals and a wider range of carcinogens than cigarettes do. (Continued…)
Anon
posted 2/25/08 @ 5:56 AM CST
Well cigarette taxes are a regressive tax targeted at the working class, but then again so is the lottery. The rich sell the notion of wealth and success bundled in the form of addiction and despair. (Continued…)
Ted
posted 2/25/08 @ 6:19 AM CST
I'm pretty sure this is satire, calm down folks.
Molly
posted 2/25/08 @ 9:57 AM CST
Did anyone else find it terrificly ironic that this piece came right after the piece that said, more or less, "Stop babbling and get to the point"?
Courtney
posted 2/26/08 @ 2:18 AM CST
Irony is a funny thing...but as for babbling, this piece is obviously meant to entertain a reader. I assume since people are commenting the article achieved its goal. (Continued…)
chris
posted 2/26/08 @ 11:26 PM CST
Bravo!!!! Well stated. Don't froget to vote the bastards out next time there's a chance.
Daniel
posted 2/27/08 @ 6:12 PM CST
This piece is so well written that it almost...isn't convincing satire. Except for the last line. It pushes just hard enough to be a believable, although badly reasoned, outcry from someone who doesn't care about the effects that his own "vices" produce. (Continued…)
Heather
posted 2/27/08 @ 10:03 PM CST
Yeah I'm not sure what to think of this either but if it is serious then I'm worried...You have a right to smoke but I think my right to breath is more important. (Continued…)
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