2008 Woodie Awards
Smoking ban unjust, unfair to younger people
Governor Bredesen slighted working Tennesseans by restricting our right to light up in public
Michael Cannon
Issue date: 2/25/08 Section: Opinions
On Oct. 1, 2007, a dark cloud descended upon the homely town of Murfreesboro, replacing the gray cloud of cigarette smoke that was there before.
We all knew that this day was coming. Although we tried to relegate its existence to some far off future, on that somber fall day we all reckoned with fate as an old man reluctantly resigns himself to the inevitability of death.
This infamous day marked the end of an era: citizens were now prohibited from smoking in all enclosed public places within the State of Tennessee with a few exceptions including private homes, private residences and private motor vehicles unless used for child care or day care, and non-enclosed areas of public places.
With this stunning jargon blitz, the Tennessee state government dragged us one step closer to totalitarianism. We all awoke that day to find that our glorious homeland had undergone a frightful social transformation. The blood-curdling screams emanating from dorm rooms and surrounding restaurants were seared upon our collective memory forever.
The sole vanguard of Southern hospitality and the embodiment of man's aspirations for freedom, Tennessee, had fallen to the dark armies of extremely bored, fundamentalist legislators. These villainous mercenaries have exacted much sadistic pleasure from depriving the Tennessee masses of their inalienable right to self-inflicted health problems.
This act of legislative terrorism was the culmination of a concerted campaign against civil rights and poor people. We were first alerted to the threat during the late '90s and early 2000s, when a wave of smoking bans swept the globe.
However, just as Americans felt safe from the Nazi war machine that enveloped Europe 70 years ago, we too thought we were safe in the South, where we possess a proud tradition of vice, from moonshine to fried foods. This false sense of security gradually withered away however, and was decisively shattered in May of last year with the advent of a 62-cent cigarette tax increase.
We all knew that this day was coming. Although we tried to relegate its existence to some far off future, on that somber fall day we all reckoned with fate as an old man reluctantly resigns himself to the inevitability of death.
This infamous day marked the end of an era: citizens were now prohibited from smoking in all enclosed public places within the State of Tennessee with a few exceptions including private homes, private residences and private motor vehicles unless used for child care or day care, and non-enclosed areas of public places.
With this stunning jargon blitz, the Tennessee state government dragged us one step closer to totalitarianism. We all awoke that day to find that our glorious homeland had undergone a frightful social transformation. The blood-curdling screams emanating from dorm rooms and surrounding restaurants were seared upon our collective memory forever.
The sole vanguard of Southern hospitality and the embodiment of man's aspirations for freedom, Tennessee, had fallen to the dark armies of extremely bored, fundamentalist legislators. These villainous mercenaries have exacted much sadistic pleasure from depriving the Tennessee masses of their inalienable right to self-inflicted health problems.
This act of legislative terrorism was the culmination of a concerted campaign against civil rights and poor people. We were first alerted to the threat during the late '90s and early 2000s, when a wave of smoking bans swept the globe.
However, just as Americans felt safe from the Nazi war machine that enveloped Europe 70 years ago, we too thought we were safe in the South, where we possess a proud tradition of vice, from moonshine to fried foods. This false sense of security gradually withered away however, and was decisively shattered in May of last year with the advent of a 62-cent cigarette tax increase.
Viewing Comments 1 - 10 of 27
Jason
posted 2/25/08 @ 1:21 AM CST
I can only hope you're joking for most of this. If so, bravo; if not, you are a sad individual.
Oh, and before you decide higher-income areas are "undertaxed", try looking at a tax code sometime. (Continued…)
Anon
posted 2/25/08 @ 2:40 AM CST
Yeah, I can't really tell if this entire piece is satire. I can tell that the end is, obviously. I agree with Jason about the tax codes.
news across the neocon empire
posted 2/25/08 @ 2:49 AM CST
Smoking kills!!!
So do the exhaust fumes from the cars people drive. In fact, the invisible smoke that comes out of the tailpipe of your car contains even higher concentrations of carcinogenic chemicals and a wider range of carcinogens than cigarettes do. (Continued…)
Anon
posted 2/25/08 @ 5:56 AM CST
Well cigarette taxes are a regressive tax targeted at the working class, but then again so is the lottery. The rich sell the notion of wealth and success bundled in the form of addiction and despair. (Continued…)
Ted
posted 2/25/08 @ 6:19 AM CST
I'm pretty sure this is satire, calm down folks.
Molly
posted 2/25/08 @ 9:57 AM CST
Did anyone else find it terrificly ironic that this piece came right after the piece that said, more or less, "Stop babbling and get to the point"?
Courtney
posted 2/26/08 @ 2:18 AM CST
Irony is a funny thing...but as for babbling, this piece is obviously meant to entertain a reader. I assume since people are commenting the article achieved its goal. (Continued…)
chris
posted 2/26/08 @ 11:26 PM CST
Bravo!!!! Well stated. Don't froget to vote the bastards out next time there's a chance.
Daniel
posted 2/27/08 @ 6:12 PM CST
This piece is so well written that it almost...isn't convincing satire. Except for the last line. It pushes just hard enough to be a believable, although badly reasoned, outcry from someone who doesn't care about the effects that his own "vices" produce. (Continued…)
Heather
posted 2/27/08 @ 10:03 PM CST
Yeah I'm not sure what to think of this either but if it is serious then I'm worried...You have a right to smoke but I think my right to breath is more important. (Continued…)
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